Tag: #breakup #single #narcissist #mean #love #broken #used #fool #numb #heart

You are never going to kiss me

You will rarely make love to me

We will never have a child together

You don’t hold my daughter with any real affection

You are always going to be tight with your time, your affection and your money

You will always be controlling

You will always be selfish

You will always be Low and moody a lot of the time

You will always have a sense of entitlement about all the kind and generous things I do for you and buy for you

You will never show me any gratitude

My heart is big and I have given you and the relationship everything but the person you represented yourself as when we met and this person…. they are not the same – you have changed beyond recognition and I have been miserable hoping the loving, passionate, affectionate guy I fell in love with will be back in my life. I’ve blamed the change on all

Manner of things – your career, your home, your family but in the end it’s just you. So actually it’s the very opposite of a swinging brick, I can’t open myself up to the pain of it any more and I don’t want bethan to know what it is to love someone who is a parental figure and not have that love back  unconditionally. My loving you as much as I do is no longer relevant steve – it has made me deeply unhappy and unfulfilled as a person and as a lover. Move on – you need someone far stronger than me because ultimately my personality just withered

Filled with anxiety and melancholy I set about getting through the day. I threw myself into being a jolly kind mum and an attentive friend and a great confidante for my colleague and a walk and a Cycle a phenomenal welsh cawl and a baby (my friends) bath later I feel human. Is this the way forward? It’s exhausting which is good as I may sleep the night but the reality is he is dominating my thoughts my friends ask have I heard from him and I always reply – I haven’t and I won’t – I know him. I am watching old videos of us together and willing myself to move on from this phase of grief. It’s heart breaking.

I bumped into the brother of my first ex on the sea front – we chatted for ages which was lovely. I felt like saying your brother was an abusive man who took advantage of a naive virgin and tore her already fragile confidence and self esteem to shreds. Instead we laughed and reminisced but all the while my head was filled with grotesque images of our cruel time together – devastating. So I was glad then to help my friend bather her beautiful baby boy. How jealous of her o am. He is a wonderful child. I know my time is coming to an end for another child of my own. It saddens me deeply and fills me with a sense of grief. My life now feels directionless and uncertain and I realise that this is the same crossroads so many people reach

Much like the batter in a pan I am fragile and easily torn today. I happened across some very old photographs of me I’m former lives. In old homes with old boyfriends and on holidays before they were even on the horizon. As though sensing my vulnerability my ex headed for the jugular saying he won’t pay me the money he owes me. I didn’t answer in the end. It’s beyond repair and I am in pain but somehow I know it’s the only way forwards now. He hasn’t loved me for the longest time and I am clinging to another part of the relationship hoping it will rekindle for him but it clearly will not and I am worth so much more. I’m tired but afraid to lie in the dark I am flat and sad and the tears have been rolling down my cheeks for about 4 hours 😦

That shit is rare

Groggy from a poor nights sleep I answered the unknown number – half expecting my stalker to be on the rampage again. It was my ex though – he’d locked himself outside his house with no car keys. He sounded panicky – I just dressed and asked my daughter to get her coat on – she was great – didn’t murmur and the dog jumped happily into the footwell of the car.

When I got there 30 minutes later he was on his doorstep playing with the cat from up the road. He was thinner I saw and was pleased to see me. I grabbed the DVD’s and the hoover. It’s bag was chocca. He laughed – mumbled something about getting new ones. I was proud of myself – I didn’t yearn or pine or even hope. I didn’t even have a grain of hope. I came home and worked and then after the BT engineer had corrected my connection I saw the man about the windows and was a bit flummoxed – I think he may just be using his undeniable charm to get a sale and just like the fool who fell for the younger man in love routine for 5 years I fell for the salesman falling in love routine. He was lovely but he strikes me as fickle and maybe even shallow. So I’m

restless tonight – I did a late interview with someone for the US and I just haven’t switched off. Last night I watched a very sad film called the notebook and it stayed with me all night. It showed a breed of love that transcended time and obstacles and I suddenly felt that I absolutely deserved that for myself and how now it had eluded me for over 25 years

I feel quite numb. I know that the door is closing on the man who has dominated my heart for five years. I feel

I should be feeling the usual trauma and anxiety but instead…nothing.

What is this all about? He’s contacted me and I know we could easily fall back into our cycle of shit. He finds an excuse to see me…he fucks me and then he’s funny and charming and I gloss over the two weeks of misery he has put me through not seeing me and keeping me hanging with the odd emotionally charged innocuous manipulative comments. I then fall into cooking for him and cleaning up the meal and then doing the washing and making his tea in the morning and cleaning his cereal Tupperware for work. I answer his texts, support him through his work challenges and listen to his anxiety. He never asks me about my day or indeed cares. He makes me walk on egg shells and I duly tiptoe on said shells. Eventually he makes a demand of me I either can’t physically or won’t mentally acquiesce to. Then he throws his toys out of his plan and dumps me, blocks me off face book and punishes me until we go back to the start ……

Now his has chipped away so successfully at my love for him that it seems to have struck the core of me and nullified any feeling for anything. I am detached from reality and not even my exceptional chilli can bring me back to life……..