Miracles

Do you think they happen? If I could overcome my broken heart I would be able to function again, love again, laugh deep down rather than just on the surface. I know that loving someone who can’t ever really love you back was never going to end well but somehow I convinced myself that deep down he really did. I dream about him, I think about him in the shower, making tea, I see him everywhere in my home. Nobody warns you when you are younger what to expect what it feels like to suffer unrequited love. I am questioning all of it and it hurts so much but he was never right for me. Never loved me and never cared for me as he should have and so very easily could have

Tipping Point

44, overweight, skin not what it used to be, lacklustre hair, poor fitness, mental exhaustion, emotional extremes and learning that the last age for NHS IVF was two years ago…….

My career path is also at a tipping point – I have a year to establish to myself and the world that I can do it.

My diet and health are at an all time low and my investment of time in myself is barely present. Something has to change, everything has to change. Only through change can we grow.

Dinner was tuna, tomatoes, beetroot and steamed vegetables and home made fruit cake. Breakfast will be eggs and salmon lunch will be parsnip and carrot soup 🙂 I will walk the dog and talk shop with M before starting the rest of my life – it’s 44

Minutes past midnight!

Birthday blues

so it’s his birthday today – 26 minutes ago. He’s written to me asking me to come to him of course but I haven’t. It feels strange to be here when he is there with open arms. Those arms are uncaring and unfeeling arms. They are strong and wrap around me but they are false. Their physical strength hides their weakness of heart. If I went to him I would put B and I back into that vicious cycle that I have been trapped if for 5 years. I want so much to be loved and I know that may never happen but I have to believe it can and that I shouldn’t settle for less. I want to feel loving arms (preferably from a tall man) around me again. I want to feel love for them and feel the love emanate from them. Who knows if that is my fate but for now my fate is to be here alone and to experience unrequited love from false arms. It doesn’t feel very good, in fact it’s painful and. It hurts, but there it is, the truth often does

Dating website reality check

So I joined 3, Tinder, Match and POF. They are much of a muchness. Match and POF hold more detail for filtering and have a broader reach geographically and Tinder follows your location and offers up local male totty. Match threw up a raft of old men starting their spiel with ‘hey’ and POF has already revealed a man who can only have an in depth conversation about weather I feel able to wrestle men and another who wanted a dominatriz

Anxiety maelstrom

I have been through it these past weeks. Contact from S has been more and more difficult culminating in him asking if he can come over for cuddles. It would be so easy to jump on that merry go around but I know it will only lead to more heartache and my confidence is so low already. I sift through hundreds of men on the dating websites and it makes me feel empty and sad that there are so many lost souls in our world. Some of them just want to text. It’s so sad and frustrating – what is the point if you are not going to meet me? Endless inane chat. Does it make them feel better? Bizarre.

I am lying here full of angst and anxiety. My date today showed up which is unusual I now realise. He was nice enough but I was bored in minutes and struggling to converse and frustrated. With S it was fun and interesting from the off. I loved the kissing – I always love the kissing – it’s a link to the soul. Date also tripped over the dog as she shot in front of him and let me pay without a fuss. He also dropped in his salary and I thought – yawn.

Anyway at the end with S he never kissed me. It was soul destroying. I hope to meet someone who likes kissing – I hate beards and every other man has one at the moment. Lazy sods. I feel awful angst and anxiety. Where will life take me? I need to step up a gear in work for sure. I need to lose weight for the first time in a long time. Let’s just see where those things take me.

Email to an ex responding to his allegation I have a swinging brick for a heart

You are never going to kiss me

You will rarely make love to me

We will never have a child together

You don’t hold my daughter with any real affection

You are always going to be tight with your time, your affection and your money

You will always be controlling

You will always be selfish

You will always be Low and moody a lot of the time

You will always have a sense of entitlement about all the kind and generous things I do for you and buy for you

You will never show me any gratitude

My heart is big and I have given you and the relationship everything but the person you represented yourself as when we met and this person…. they are not the same – you have changed beyond recognition and I have been miserable hoping the loving, passionate, affectionate guy I fell in love with will be back in my life. I’ve blamed the change on all

Manner of things – your career, your home, your family but in the end it’s just you. So actually it’s the very opposite of a swinging brick, I can’t open myself up to the pain of it any more and I don’t want bethan to know what it is to love someone who is a parental figure and not have that love back  unconditionally. My loving you as much as I do is no longer relevant steve – it has made me deeply unhappy and unfulfilled as a person and as a lover. Move on – you need someone far stronger than me because ultimately my personality just withered

Temptation to return

So my ex has stepped up his game today asking me to come over to his all day. Just that is enough – come to his house on his terms – no sorry for dumping you. No remorse, no regret just repeat….

I still love him but today I lied and told him I didn’t love him any more. I had to. He wasn’t leaving it and I knew sooner or later my resolve would leave me and so I let him believe that I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. Bravest thing I’ve ever done

Junkie Junction

I watched the George Michael story whilst delayed in the airport. What a talented man and what a story he tells. It’s had a profound impact on me. I have been musing on the purpose of my own life and the direction I am travelling in. Physically I am in a small plane flying from Paris to Bristol – I am reeling from a pitch to 7 people in Paris that was thwarted by IT failures and whilst I kept it together and made the best of a bad job I missed the window to impress them and to win their hearts and minds. Mentally I have made a stellar leap in my professional life and so far I have yet to prove myself to my company or myself as a sales person. I am devastated that I haven’t achieved what I set out to do in this role yet. I can’t sleep properly, I am lethargic and stressed and I am starting to worry about my finances and my future. It’s a horrible place to be. Suddenly my success is damaged and my sense of achievement has been taken away. That fragile bit of self confidence that I have gradually built over the past 15 years has been broken. I was once told I had impostor syndrome – honestly I am an imposter at the moment.

I can’t wait to feel my daughter’s arms around my neck and be home. I am paralysed by the need to run my home and by an inability to escape this place I have carved for myself. I have no special talent and no dream or business idea I can follow. I feel I’d like to hit something with passion and gusto but can’t for the life of me envisage what?! What is next. How can I prepare? What direction should I travel in?