Screaming Quietly

I feel quite numb. I know that the door is closing on the man who has dominated my heart for five years. I feel

I should be feeling the usual trauma and anxiety but instead…nothing.

What is this all about? He’s contacted me and I know we could easily fall back into our cycle of shit. He finds an excuse to see me…he fucks me and then he’s funny and charming and I gloss over the two weeks of misery he has put me through not seeing me and keeping me hanging with the odd emotionally charged innocuous manipulative comments. I then fall into cooking for him and cleaning up the meal and then doing the washing and making his tea in the morning and cleaning his cereal Tupperware for work. I answer his texts, support him through his work challenges and listen to his anxiety. He never asks me about my day or indeed cares. He makes me walk on egg shells and I duly tiptoe on said shells. Eventually he makes a demand of me I either can’t physically or won’t mentally acquiesce to. Then he throws his toys out of his plan and dumps me, blocks me off face book and punishes me until we go back to the start ……

Now his has chipped away so successfully at my love for him that it seems to have struck the core of me and nullified any feeling for anything. I am detached from reality and not even my exceptional chilli can bring me back to life……..